You Are Really Fucking Ugly. We Are Redirecting You. Please Wait A Moment.

The REAL Conspiracy

2009-01-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

The Conspiracy-Dedicated To Jocelyn Avery, Who Wants To Sleep With Me Very Very Badly JK or am i......

2009-01-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

I Went On A Mild Bender...Now 190 Lbs...Will Start Diet Again Tommorow...Please Forgive Me.

2009-01-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

Me Stealing From Plato's Closet For Not Buying My Clothes

2009-01-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

7 Day Comparision

2009-01-11T04:58:00.001-08:00

DAY 1: 197 LBS

DAY 7: 183 LBS

Day 7: 183 LBS-I JUST LOST 14 LBS IN A FUCKING WEEK! I AM A FREAK OF NATURE AND IT FEELS...REALLY GERRRD....

2009-01-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

I'm Shaving My Chest At 180 LBS

2009-01-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Day 5- I Don't Think I've Lost Shit So Far, But We'll See When I Weigh Myself On Day 7

2009-01-09T15:24:00.001-08:00

Fat Man Dancing- Not For Children or The Faint Of Heart

2009-01-06T16:00:00.001-08:00

8 Pencils!@!!

2009-01-06T14:14:00.001-08:00

197 LB Hot Or Not- Rate Me And I'll Try To Stop Eating So Much Ice Cream

2009-01-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

Day 1 - 8 Pencils

2009-01-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

Day 1-197 lbs

2009-01-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

Wholesome Christmas Fun

2008-12-24T20:56:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Picture Of The Day

2008-12-22T10:41:00.000-08:00

Picture Of The Day

2008-12-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

Sneak Preview #17

2008-12-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

August 11-19

Over the course of the next week a spent alot of time trying to figure out how to entertain myself in P.E.I.

I thought about visiting their Sex Shop, but thoughts of inflatable cow sex dolls with latex utters came to mind. Not something that I was interested in.
My brother and I had shot cows with paint ball guns a few summers before but I decided not to indulge myself in that because I knew the farmers relied on them for sexual gratification and I could imagine trying to mount a cow with post traumatic stress disorder would be quite challenging.

I deeply feared that the inability to find gratification through cow sex would lead the farmers to the last resort of having to sex with real live human girls, thus furthering their inbred genes to another generation of islanders. I could not live with myself knowing I was responsible for creatures like these:
Being that I still wasn't speaking to my Uncle, Sister, and Brother-In-Law, I was all alone.
One night my Dad convinced me to go out to dinner and much to my suprise they were all there waiting for me. Lane told me he was not sitting near the children because he was a suspected pedophile, my uncle expressed concern about his rabbits and asked if I had really shaved it, and my sister asked to have her portrait changed from oscar the grouch. Everything was pretty much forgiven. I had put Jennifer and Uncle Paulie on a list called "The GED Resistance Alliance"(which Lane was on until I moved him to the pedophiles list on Mike's request), but now that we had made ammends I decided that there was no more G.E.D. resistance alliance and I deleted that list. With nowhere else to move them I placed them onto my suspected pedophiles list.

I'm Sneaky Like That.

A few days later my brother comes to town and gives me the proverbial $40 that had started the infamous "suspected pedophiles" list that had caused everyone so much distress.
All was looking up in Wollstein-land, that is until I woke up a few mornings later...

Sneak Preview #16

2008-12-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

August 4, 2008
Day 9,066

I wake up and my on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had not had to deal with it on Sunday because I had the luxury of sleeping the entire day away, but now it was all starting to hit me. Mike had been stealing from me and lying to me the whole time! I had made a leap of faith with him because of the situation I was in but he turned out to be a fucking con artist. I could'nt get my mind off the negative thoughts and my Dad raced me to Wal-Greens to get me some Xanax or Clonopens or something. While there he took my blood pressure and I poster it once I got home.

Once I had calmed down a little bit we went into his store, where I saw Rolo for the first time since I had made him "An Alliance"

Rolo: "How's it going, Psychopath?"

Me: "I've been better"

A few minutes later I get a call from Bert, Mike's roomate, letting me know that he has 5 checks of mine and is trying to wire transfer more money out of my checking account to buy more "Shark Food" with.

I can't even deal with it anymore and I am completely broke so I ask my Dad for some money and tell him that I'm gonna head home. He gives me $80 bucks and tells me to get some rest.

On the way home I pass by a sex shop and treat myself to something special.

Now I know what your going to be thinking when you find out what it is so before I go any further I would like you to read an expose I just wrote on the topic.

Hopefully it will liberate your mind to the idea of owning one of these W.M.G.'s (Weapons Of Mass Gratification)

Sneak Preview #15

2008-12-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

May 28th 2008

Day 8,998

I immediately got to work putting together my board of directors.

Seth Godin
Marketing Guru
Author
"Short Sentences Get Read."

Industrial Design Pioneer
C.E.O. of IDEO
Author
"Don't get to rest on your laurels ."
Chris Wollstein
C.E.O. Design Diva Fabrics
Idiot Savant
"Viva La Herpes"

Steve Jobs
Apple C.E.O.
Visionary
"I Want To Put A Dent In The Universe."
"Creativity Is Just Connecting The Dots."

Jay Conrad Levinson
Guerilla Marketing Pioneer
Author
"Marketing is not an event, but a process.
It has a beginning, a middle, but never an end."

Sneak Preview #14

2008-12-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

August 8th 2008
Day 9,130

I drive out of the neighborhood and down the street and find a little hole in wall bar and grill named "Buckett's". I decide to get some food there. When I go in I sit down and order a plate of chicken wings and begin making conversation with an attractive young waitress named Tiffany.

"Hey, I'm Chris, whats your name?"

"Hey, I'm Tiffany"

"Where are you from?"

"Cape Coral"

"Cool, what's your address?"

At this point she walks away.

My plate of chicken wings arrives and I begin eating them, wondering what I had done wrong in the Tiffany interaction when I see something amazing in front of me.

It was a chicken wing that looked like some sort of shark, and I was'nt sure whether to eat it or to sell it on eBay. Being that I already had my computer with me I decided it would be a good idea to ask my ever growing fan base, that way I could include Tiffany in the post and perhaps regain her interests in me:

Tiffany told me to wait it out, so I put it into a little white to go box, finished my other "normal" wings and headed home to retire for the evening.

Sneak Preview #13

2008-12-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

August 20th, 2008

Day 9,081

I wake up in a cold sweat again. In the night that creature had visited me again, this time identifying himself as Valtrexo, God of Genital Herpes, and again wanted "MOAR".
I wasn't sure what else to do, but at dinner that evening I heard something that triggered me.
I was eating steak and my family was having lobster. When I finished my steak my Dad looked over at me and said "Do you want me to cook you a lobster? We have more."

It became clear to me how this creature operated. He was sending me very subliminal verbal hints through those around me.

He wanted a sacrifice.

And a sacrifice he got...

Sneak Preview #12

2008-12-13T20:22:00.000-08:00

August 10th, 2008

Day 9,071

I wake up slightly hungover in a cold sweat. During the nights sleep I had I nightmare in which this weird creature came to me, held up a picture of Alfonso, and said the words "MOAR" in a lion-like roar.

He seemed like the kind of creature I wanted on my team, so that night before I went to sleep I got on my Gmail and sent out the following email, sending it to everyone in my contacts list including Alfonso himself.

Question Of The Day | Why Is Alfonso Santorini(Who Has Herpes) Such A Douchebag?

Does anyone know? Because I am so absorbed in this question that I can't fall asleep. Does anyone have any clues?

On another note:

Viva la herpes!

Hi Alfonso!

u r a fucking douche, did u know that?

xoxo

-cw

I then put away my laptop with a feeling of complete bliss and fell into the most peaceful, zen-like sleep I had ever experienced.

Sneak Preview #11

2008-12-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

September 18th, 2008

Day 9,109

I then get into my car and drive back to the boat, where I see my Dad's Mercedes and decide to make one last Guerilla artwork placement:

After admiring my work for a moment I go inside and go to the fridge to get something to eat. I see a Styrofoam container and opened it up only to find the strange chicken wing I had discovered at Buckett's weeks before.

I start to scrutinize it again searching for it's meaning.

Moments later my Dad enters the boat.

"Hey Chris, thanks for putting that enormous dildo on the windshield of my car. If it's not too much trouble could you please not do that anymore?"

My ears perked up as his last syllable echoed through my head.

That was it!

I looked down at the chicken wing and immediately knew what it's purpose was.
This was what Valtrexo wanted.
He wanted fish.

And fish he would get...

Sneak Preview #10

2008-12-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

September 18th, 2008
Day 9,109

Now that my mind had settled and the image of the deity was more vivid I sat down at my computer to enlighten the masses of my experience.

Here is the post:

On Tuesday Awoke From A Lucid Dream In Which Valtrexo, God Of Alfonso Santorini's Genital Herpes, Came To Me And Told Me That If I Was To Make One Last Guerilla Sacrifice To Him That Appeased Him As Much As The Last One Did I Could Leave Alfonso Alone.

When I Awoke I Attempted To Capture This Elusive Deity. But Valtrexo, Wishing To Remain Anonymous, Had Tied Me To A Chair And Repeatedly Flashed Graphic Images Of His Outbreaks To Me Before I Woke Up.

This Sadistic Act Left My Mind Temporarily Scarred And Upon Waking I Was Unable To Completely Recall His Likeness.

Later That Day, As The Graphic Images Of The Sores Faded From My Mind, I Was Able To Vaguely Recall His Image.

The Image That Follows Has Never Been Seen Before By The Eyes Of The Un-Herpified And Is Not For The Faint Of Heart...

SCROLL DOWN PLZ

MOAR

STILL MOAR

OK NO MOAR

I Present To You...

V
For
Valtrexo ®

Sneak Preview #8

2008-12-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

August 6th 2008
Day 9,128

I sent him the very same nude picture of me that I had enticed Natalia with the night before, but this time we would use it for something way better than getting my rocks off. I gave him some instructions, ideas, and a couple of photo's for creative inspiration and set him loose. After 20 minutes he presented to me one of the most beautiful images I had ever laid eyes on.

I posted it on my blog immediately.

Viva La Herpes!

Your Welcome Alfonso.

Love,

Rolo Macias And Chris Wollstein

...and if you would just accept that facebook friend request I could help get you some treatment.

4 Real.

Plz Just Think About It.

-cw

Sneak Preview #7

2008-12-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

August 8th 2008
Day 9,130

I take a quick shower and come out to find my Dad in the kitchen waiting for me

"Good Afternoon Christopher, I see you decorated the back of my boat"

"Yes, do you like it?"

"It's ok...but we are going to have complaints from the neighbors."

"No problem, Dad. I'll take it off on my way out to dinner"

"Thanks"

"No problem."

I then bid him farewell, leave the boat, and pop the dildo off the back of it.

As I am about to get in my car I notice a window of oppurtunity for another Guerilla artwork placement and I take it:

I thought it really brought a touch of class to his Mercedes.

And then I get into my car and head off into the sunset, with nothing but myself and my remaining $900, looking for something I couldn't quite define.

But I knew it was out there...

Sneak Preview #6

2008-12-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

The Role Of The Latex Vagina And It's Current Social Stigma In American Culture-An Exposé

By Chris Wollstein

Written on December 13th, 2008
Day 9196
-------------------------------------
What makes vibrators socially acceptable for females to own while a man owning a fake vagina is basically unheard of?

In order to attempt to properly understand the predicament let us start from the very beginning...

Devices used to imitate sexual penetration for a women date back to the dark ages:

while devices used to satisfy the urges of men date back even further, perhaps even to the dawn of time itself. Cavemen got their very own "Sexual Penetration Device" by clubbing Cavewomen over the head and dragging them by the hair back to their cave for a night of carnal pleasures.

As humans evolved over tens of thousands of years this practice was deemed reprehensible by society as a whole. Men were then left with no other choice but to use their hands. Some of them eventually grew tired of this and found satisfaction for their carnal pleasures through the very same females they once clubbed, only now they had to pay for them.

And on top of having to shell out a hefty ransom for a night of sexual deviance with one of these "Vaginas for hire" there was the chance of legal persecution and social disparagement if found out.

And sometimes the people do find out, and sometimes the social disparagement is magnified a million times over because of who you are.

A problem which can be completely avoided if only we make the latex vagina a socially acceptable thing to own.

So back to the big question:

What makes dildos ok to own but fake vaginas not?

Is it that most dildos look completely harmless but any Latex Vagina worth owning looks like it was chopped off of a woman's lower torso?

Perhaps.

But is that enough of a downside to make us avoid these products completely?

After all, there are many benefits to owning a "Latex Love Box". They provide the experience of real sex without any of the possible side effects.

In fact, the only possible side effect a latex vagina can give you is great embarrassment if your friends or partner find out you have one.

Let them judge me all they want, I have probably owned 5 or 6 of them in my lifetime (I get a new one after every break up, and the sad irony is that some of the break-ups have been caused by the discovery of said vagina), and I think they are fantastic.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take a wild guess about your current masturbation habits:

You sit back in a chair in front of your computer or lay on your bed with your computer, turn on some porn, and stroke. Due to the vast variety of porn on the internet you keep searching through your collection, looking at different girls until you find one that you deem "nut-worthy" and then you let yourself climax.

Well, you could have it much better.

That's right, YOU.

For anywhere between $40 and $150 you can get something that will change the way you pleasure yourself forever.

A quality latex vagina sits planted on your bed and you can actually fuck it while you watch porn on your computer in front of you. Both hands are now freed, which makes navigating through porn sites much easier. No more embarrassing lube on your laptops touchpad!

One small problem is the lack of any warmth, which coupled with the look of the thing may give you the feeling that you are having sex with a piece of a dead body. Assuming that that is not something that turns you on, using a simple warming lube or placing "her" in a bathtub filled with hot water for 5 minutes will solve the problem.

Now Let me share a past experience with you to help you navigate your way through the sometimes tricky waters of choosing the right piece of love-making equipment.

On the cheaper end of the spectrum you will find light, portable devices such as the Fleshlight®

Let me urge you to avoid these.

The reason for this is that due to their light weight they cannot stay planted while you lay on top of them pumping away, so instead you are forced to lay on your back and hold it in your hand, moving it up and down. You might as well be masturbating with your hand. I have heard some men have found solutions to this problem by putting it between their mattress and bedspring and kind of squatting down to penetrate it, but that to me seems a little too awkward and I feel like the discomfort of the position coupled with your testicles slamming against your bedspring would ruin your chance of getting any pleasure out of the experience.

I urge you to be be one of the pioneers of latex vagina exceptance in America and buy one for yourself. It will change your life. And be sure to spring for a quality one with enough size and weight to actually stay planted as you lay on top of it thrusting vigorously on that all to familiar highway to momentary euphoria.

And in the instance you do not have the courage to own one of these precious gifts and instead choose to go the other route and get yourself an actual live sexual partner, I only have one piece of advice for you:

The End.

Sneak Preview #5

2008-12-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

September 8th 2008
Day 9,099

I walked into Richard's house and told him that we should just leave the past behind us, that I forgive him for the downfall of Buy It Before My Husband Comes Home, and I just want to move forward.

He shook my hand and agreed, then introduced me to his 8 children, all of whom were so nice to me that I got the impression that they had been briefed about my current behavior pattern and warned to do nothing that could possibly set me off. He then takes me to one of the children's rooms that they had moved out of temporarily to make space for me.

"Goodnight My Friend." Richie Says to me.

"Goodnight."

I lay on the bed and pass out.

At 4 P.M. the next afternoon I awake and look in front of me to find a ensemble of children's toys. Now I knew Richard's loyalty swung between me and my Dad depending on how erratic I had been acting lately, but now I would test his loyalty to one of his own. I walked up to the animals, picked one up and threw it in my suitcase.

I opened up my computer and alerted Richard and the world of the situation:

With nothing to do now but wait, I decide to call Joanne.

"Hey Joanne, it's Chris"

"Oh my God, Chris, how are you?"

"I'm good, since the last time I talked to you I stole/borrowed a car, went to jail, bought a tourbus, got my identity stolen, fell in and out of love with a latex vagina, and I kind of kidnapped a stuffed animal earlier today but let's not get into that right now."

"What? Okay...I just want to let you know that I do check your blog from time. It's hilarious. I showed it to this girl one time and she was like "This is brilliant." Would you ever consider going after someone on your site if they paid you?"

I thought about it for a moment and responded.

"No,I am not a gun for hire. Everyone that has got some of the Chris Wollstein treatment on my site I knew and knew both sides of the story. I wouldn't want to go after somebody for anyone else because how would I know the real truth about the situation? Deep down Joanne, I am not evil. I am a nice guy. But...I know someone that probably would love to go after anyone, and he is immune from any legal persecution"

"Really? That's good to know."

"Just let me know who the victim is to be and how much the bounty is and when I hear from him I'll run it past him."

"OK"

"Alright well I've got a hostage situation I have to take care of so I'll talk to you later"

"Okay, be safe you brilliant, brilliant Monkey."

I hung up the phone and drove to the store.

Richie was busy answering phones, and Adi was rearranging some of the racks.

"Hey Adi"

"Hey Chris"

"Racks are looking good. Have you checked the site lately?"

"Are you talking about the Elmo situation?"

Due to the lack of anger I could tell he had not yet seen this post:

I reply "Yea, make sure Richard is made aware"

"You got it Boss"

I thank him, shake his hand and turn to leave.

As I'm walking away I turn my head to add

"By the way, you are looking very suspicious today."

With a confused look, he goes back to work.

I sneak out the back door to avoid being asked to help with any of the Design Diva operation and head home.

Once there I make my way pass the flood of children offering me food and beverages and head back to my room.

Hours pass.

I decide to increase the gravity of the elmo situation and post this:

That was it, he knew what he needed to do, now all I could do was watch the clock.

That or Sleep.

I Choose Sleep.

Sneak Preview #4

2008-12-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

August 8th 2008
Day 9,130

When I get back to my temporary GED headquarters I make a bee-line for my "Lovely Latex Lady". Being that I am a gentleman and respect a women's need for foreplay, I decide to perform oral sex on it. But when I pick it up it feels extremely sticky, like someone had just rubbed a coating of glue all over it. Then I realized that after my passionate 3 minutes with it the night before I had forgot to wash it off.

She was ridden hard and put away wet, and it showed.

I tossed it into the back seat of my car, drove back to the sex shop, and smacked it down on their counter with a loud "Thwap".

Before the lady working the counter could say anything I began pleading my case:

"Hello, I am Chris Wollstein, and I bought this from you yesterday. It seems to be defective, and I would like to return it."

She looked at me with a blank distant stare as her mouth hung-open.

"What is your return policy for these products?" I say loudly.

"Umm, we don't have a return policy for used latex vaginas, sir."

"Why not?"

"Umm, for health reasons. Obvious health reasons."

I took this statement very personally.

My mind began racing.

Who could have said anything to this girl about me to make her think I had an STD?

That's when it hit me:

Rolo.

That Unappreciative Bastard.

He must have mentioned the bump he saw on my scrotum to this women when he was there the day before buying his Latex love box.

"Was their a portly man with a pony-tail in here yesterday buying a vagina?" I ask.

"Yes, actually."

"And did he mention anything to you about a certain individual he knew that had a suspicious red bump on their genitalia?"

"Uhh....No."

I wasn't sure whether to believe her or not so I just stormed off into one of the aisles. Muttering to myself, I look up and see something amazing: The exact same enormous 36" dildo that had graced my monkey painting in my NYC apartment. Except this one was different, this one was black as night. I grabbed my companion piece, threw $50 bucks down on the counter, and stormed out of the store, leaving my latex love-mate sitting on the countertop.

I raced down the road with a wild mix of emotions that included Anger, Excitement, and a deep sense of loss. Damnit, I loved that Vagina.

But I was determined to move on and, as a symbol of my newfound independence, I planted my flag on the back of the yaught as soon as I got home.

Sneak Preview #3

2008-12-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

August 6th 2008
Day 9,128

I was very impressed with his work, so I decided to push him further. I began looking around the office for ideas when I stumbled upon I cage that contained 2 rabbit's that my Uncle Paulie, who was out of town in P.E.I. at the time, had bought for his daughter before he left. One was pure white and the other was pitch black. It was Ebony and Ivory Living In Perfect Harmony. "What are their names?" I asked Rolo. "They don't have names yet." I was shocked and disturbed. To me a rabbit without a name is like a man without a fingerprint. I saw the situation as a win-win, the rabbit's would get names and G.E.D. would build two brand new alliances. I then slowly opened the cage, photographed the white one, returned to my computer, and alerted the world that the GED had a new victim.

I then sauntered over to Rolo's desk.

"Hey Rolo" I said "Can you please check your email again?"

"Chris, I really don't want to see any more nude photo's of you, but thanks. And also you have a small red bump on your scrotum that I think you should get checked out. You know, that could be Syphilis ."

"That's an ingrown hair, not syphilis. I went to the doctor for it already. But it's nice to know you scrutinized my genitalia so throughly. But back to the email; this is not more of me naked. I promise."

He opened up the email I sent him, which was a close-up of the white rabbit. I gave him the simplest of directions: "I want you "Guerilla-fy" him." and then left the office and went back to the cage to analyze this creatures traits so I could properly name him. I tried to beckon him closer with a piece of celery, but just glared at me with those creepy red eyes.

Half an hour later I came back and Rolo presented to me this image:

It was superb, but it was missing something.
I have him add one small element to help capture his creepiness and then went to my computer to present to the world the GED's first non-human alliance...

Sneak Preview #2

2008-12-11T09:17:00.000-08:00

August 6th 2008
Day 9,128

The next morning I woke up and, like any good hamster, was looking for his daily feeding. I texted my Dad and we agreed to meet at Denny's at 8 am for a quick breakfast of Omelettes & Adderall.

I arrived about 20 minutes early and sat down. I started thinking about my money situation and pulled out my wallet.

That's when it hit me...

I was down to only $1.

I was so slap-happy at the sex shop the day before that I didn't realize that between the "latex love box" , the lube, gas, and dinner I had spent 79 of the 80 dollars my Dad had given me.

I now had no credit cards, no checks, no nothing.
Except $1.
I didn't even have an I.D. anymore, so all the money I had sitting in the bank was untouchable.

I needed to think of something fast.

I knew my Dad would give me more money if I was just honest about the situation but due to the nature of the situation I felt a little awkward about asking him face-to-face.
I got a pen and paper and wrote him a note, then placed it on the table and went outside to find my Dad pulling in.

I told him to go inside and that there was a proposition on the table for him to read...

Dad...I have a secret confession...
...I spent the $60 you gave me yesterday on one of those fake vagina's they sell at sex shops.
It wuz worth it.
...but now I only hav $1 left.
I do not want 2 smoke anymore so If I quit right now 4 ever I can has $1000?

yes/No/maybe

PlZ circle one.
Thx -cw

About a minute later my Dad came back outside, where I was anxiously waiting, laughing hysterically. "So does this mean you'll give me $1000" I asked. Between laughs he replied "Sure." He fed me my Adderall and we sat down and over breakfast discussed Mike and what we needed to do to protect my identity. When we were finished we went down to his store and he got to work calling all the big credit agencies to alert them that I had had my identity stolen and to put a stop from any new credit cards being opened or loans being taken out in my name. While he was doing this he told me to get to work starting another sale on Design Diva. I started to, but I got sidetracked thinking about Alfonso again and how I could torment him more. Rolo was in the office with us, and I had made him an alliance, so I decided to put his photoshop skills to work.

"Hey Rolo" I said, "Check Your Email".

Sneak Preview #1

2008-12-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

June 2008

The next day me and Chris Patton took off from Suite 306 and headed down to Boca Raton. I had made friends with the manager John and he was not around to bid farewell to. Before we took off I decided to leave him a One-Of-A-Kind GED "THX" (aka Thank You) Card (fingerprinted to ensure authenticity), which I taped over his sign on the front of his door. Wanting to be certain he not miss it on his way in I used hot pink duct tape.

Hey Jon, if your reading this, I'd just like to say I had a lot of fun at your establishment and I am going to hold you to your claim that you will tattoo my logo on your stomach for $1,000 USD. But just remember, I never said which logo it would be, and I've got some great ones in the works...

GED
We don't just set big goals, we reach them.®

I left that timeless Chris Wollstein masterpiece on his door and we were off and running down to good old Boca Raton.

The plan was to meet up with my friends who ran a night-life magazine, The South Florida Jimmy, and start doing some promotional work for them once Evan forgave me for putting him on my "Suspected Pedophiles" list.

The A.C. was already not working (this should have been a clue to bring it back to the dealership while we were still nearby) and my hangover was at the "I want to nail my penis to a burning building to take my mind off this pain" level.

C.P.(Chris Patton) sailed our mighty ship down I-95 while I went into the back room and took care of all the important things that a GED Renegade Executive Officer/Suspected Pedophile/Supreme Leader needs to handle, AKA I went in the back, jerked off, stared at the ceiling for 5 minutes, jerked off again and ejaculated without achieving an erection.

I don't know if any of you out there have ever experienced this but it is the saddest feeling in the universe.

Deeply ashamed and embarrassed, I had to somehow escape these feelings.

I took two clonopens and went to sleep.